Failure,
I’d like to start off by apologizing for how general this letter is. Though it’s unlikely, I feel paranoid that my boyfriend will somehow read this and know it’s me that’s writing and I will never hear the end of it. Long story short, we have been together for several years and I found out recently that he cheated on me. He promised it only happened one time. I found out by discovering something she left behind in our house. He tried to deny it at first and tried to convince me it was mine, but I stood my ground and left the house for a week and then he finally confessed.
Eventually, I moved back in and I am trying to forgive him and move forward, but I feel stuck. This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. Not cheat (as far as I know), but try to convince me of something that isn’t true or he makes me question my reality rather than take responsibility for his actions and their impact on me. I wish I had no feelings about what happened, but I do, and I feel closed off from him. Instead of comforting me and apologizing, he asks when I will get over it so we can move on and tells me how hard it is for him to see me upset or "not like myself.“ I don’t even know who myself is anymore. I feel lost and alone and like I can’t escape him. Oh yeah, he’s my boss at work and that’s how we met. I know I’m an idiot. To be fair, he wasn’t my boss when we first started working together.
The worst part of all of this is he’ll tell me he wants to know how I’m feeling, and then when I do or I get upset when we’re talking about things, he says I’m overreacting! It feels like there’s no way to win unless I shrivel into nothing. What do I do? Sorry, I know this letter sucks. Thanks.
Nothing
(P.S. Thanks for sharing work opportunities. I’m trying to find a new job now, but he doesn’t know.)
Dear Nothing,
First I’d like to acknowledge that you are not in fact nothing, but you are very much someone and something and worthy of being acknowledged as such. But for the sake of this letter, I will refer to you as Nothing because I understand that’s how you feel right now. I’m sure many readers can understand how you feel too. I know I certainly do. There’s a kind of gutted feeling that comes with being in the kind of situation and relationship you’re currently in.
Though you don’t give a ton of specifics, you’ve shared enough to give the impression that there has been effort put into your reality being regularly questioned and manipulated over most of your relationship. Of course that would leave you feeling like nothing! And I hate to say it, but that’s the point. The more you feel like nothing, and the more you believe that you’re overreacting, the more your boyfriend (and boss, omg!) can get away with behaving in whatever way he wants and not have to take responsibility for his behavior and ultimately change.
I tend to hesitate in using the term "narcissist“ as it’s become such an overused term and often misused in certain cultural spaces to diminish a healthy sense of self-regard and self-focus that keeps us alive, particularly those of us who have been historically marginalized and oppressed. However! I think it’s fair to say, at the very least, your boyfriend has pretty narcissistic tendencies. DARVO is a commonly used and well-known tactic narcissists and various kinds of abusers use to manipulate others. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Ask a Failure to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.