A handful of years ago, an acquaintance called me a narcissist to a group of people who knew me in varying degrees while at a party. I wasn't there, which is no surprise, because I'd guess that she wouldn't have said as much to my face, though I kind of hoped that one day she would! I had a lot of questions! What I found particularly intriguing about this scenario was that this person was someone whom I knew much better than she knew me. In our social interactions, I'd ask her questions about her life and I learned a lot. It took five years of interacting in social situations together for her to ask me a question back.
When a mutual friend who was at the party told me about what she'd said, I thought, Huh, okay. But like, why? I asked for clarity on why she would have said it because I thought it was weird that anyone was thinking about or talking about me at all, especially when they knew me in such a perfunctory way, but he didn't have anything else to offer. Apparently, he'd stood up for me then one of my good friend's ex-partners whom I also knew only through mutual friends and brief social interactions, (while heavy drinking was involved, I might add!) chimed in, saying he also thought I was a narcissist. I was perplexed why they'd care to consider me. I wondered what I could have done for them to have such a strong opinion about me.
I brought it up in therapy like any millennial in grad school with good insurance for the first time in their lives would. One day I went in and said it straight. Okay, actually, first I said I was a little embarrassed to ask, but "Do you think I'm a narcissist? Also, is it narcissistic to ask if you think I’m a narcissist?" Everything I said or did, I began to wonder, "Is this narcissistic or is this a healthy show of self-regard like we've been working on in therapy? Also, who's to say? ALSO, IS EVERYTHING CHAOS ALL THE TIME?!"
My therapist smiled at me and said, "If you were a narcissist, you wouldn't be asking me this question." I asked her to clarify. She said something along the lines of, if I was a pathological narcissist, meaning if the level of narcissism I displayed went beyond what's healthy, I wouldn't even think to ask the question because I wouldn't be self-aware enough to be curious and open to considering that I might be lacking in some way. I'd most likely be stuck in some kind of self-aggrandizing story about it all, not considering or concerned about how my behavior might be negatively impacting those around me. I found this helpful, but I still felt slightly paranoid, like what if through the powers of narcissism I somehow tricked her into viewing me positively and THEREFORE she couldn't see that I'm actually a pathological narcissist? Weren’t narcissists liiiiiike good at that? "If anything," my therapist said, "I think you could use a little more ego." I was more confused than ever.
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