This past week, I turned 37. Knowing it’s important to stay #onbrand, I woke up the morning of my birthday only to realize I was indeed sick after having spent the day before in an office with other human beings for work. Plans with friends had to be canceled. I was disappointed, but I rolled with it, much like I’ve rolled with things "going wrong“ for most of my life. Despite feeling like garbage, my birthday was actually quite lovely. I was able to speak to and receive loving wishes from friends. Homemade soup was dropped off to me. I watched a ridiculous and darkly fun movie with someone I love from afar while eating amazing food delivered to my doorstep with my dog cuddled up beside me on the couch. I was sad and lonely and also happy and connected.
The older I get, the more I feel confronted with the utter lack of control I have over most things except for how I meet myself and choose to participate in the world. Sometimes meeting myself with kindness and acceptance is harder than other times. But practice has certainly made it a little easier as each year passes. This past year, I’ve been practicing "playing with my pain“ as one of my favorite self-help books about love and relationships has advised me to do. Most of the time, when I ask my pain, "What if this pain wasn’t a problem to be solved and instead an experience to be had?“ the pain almost instantly feels a little less serious and we greet each other with a smile. It reminds me of the feeling of being with a friend and one or both of us are upset and maybe even crying, but somehow we are able to make each other laugh and find ourselves experiencing both anguish and joy.
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