Hey Failure,
When I was a kid, there was a summer when I was really sick, had to have surgery et cetera, and I spent most of that summer recovering, playing video games by myself. It was the first time I remember being really sad and feeling lonely in a way I still remember to this day if I think about it for too long. It was like I felt hollow and also afraid, afraid that I would feel this way forever. That is until l met who would become my best friend that summer. Let’s call him Ryan.
Ryan’s grandparents lived next door and he visited them a lot, especially during the summer. Ryan would come over often throughout the week and play video games with me. We didn’t talk much, but we played together silently, sometimes teasing each other when one of us won or lost. We ate snacks that my mom brought us and drank more sodas than we were allowed. When the summer ended and school started again, I was excited to see Ryan at school. I figured we’d probably eat lunch together and continue to hang out whenever he went to his grandparents and maybe even more than that.
On the first day of school, I saw Ryan down the hall and waved at him. He pretended he didn’t see me and kept walking. I don’t know how to describe what I now know to be heartbreak. Suddenly, the hollow feeling was back. Ryan never acknowledged me at school. A few months later, his grandparents moved out and into assisted living. Then, later that year, my parents divorced and I had to change schools because my mom had to move somewhere more affordable for us to live. My dad left town and though I occasionally have heard from him over the years or seen him when he comes back to town to visit his parents or play a show, he mostly has stayed on the road as a touring musician.
The reason I tell you all of this is because I know it’s not surprising, or you’ve probably already figured out that as an adult, I have a real fear of being left and I often leave people before they can leave me.
That is until Ryan came back into my life. Yes, that is what I said. Ryan came back into my life.
I know this sounds like some sort of rom-com plot or something. I couldn’t believe it either! After more than 20 years, Ryan and I saw each other at one of my dad’s shows when he happened to be playing in the city where I currently work. Unbeknownst to me, Ryan’s dad and my dad were friends and had stayed in touch over the years since we moved away. Ryan and I ran into each other backstage. I saw him from afar and my stomach dropped. I assumed he wouldn’t remember me or would ignore me again like he had when we were kids. Instead, a big smile crept across his face and he gave me a hug. "I hoped I’d see you here!“ Excuse me? I’m embarrassed to say that even decades later, I was once again smitten. He was handsome and sweet and so fun. We hung out and stayed up all night drinking and talking. Ryan had only just moved to my city for a new job earlier in the year. Everything felt magical and a little otherworldly like I was in a movie version of my life.
Fast forward three months later, and I have never been more confused in my life. After being attached at the hip and having long, drawn-out conversations about our past relationships and what we’re looking for and cuddling late at night, Ryan is suddenly acting like these things never happened. Like it’s all been a big misunderstanding. When I reminded him recently that he said he wanted to hold off on having sex, that he wanted to take it slow so we could be intentional about our relationship, implying that we were building a relationship, what did he expect me to think? He said he doesn’t remember saying that, that he must have been drunk. I am heartbroken.
There are so many moments, Failure, too many to list here, where I’m now questioning if I was projecting some sort of fantasy onto him, making things up in my head, and we were just hanging out as buddies all this time. I think about how it felt when he hugged me and pulled back to stare into my eyes before holding me again. The time our faces accidentally collided and we both blushed and I leaned against him and he pushed the hair from my face. The time I said, "I really like being with you“ and he squeezed my hand and said, "It’s really nice being with you too.“ All the times he told me how different he feels with me compared to other women he’s dated. Am I delusional? To be fair, I am not the most experienced dater, but this felt exactly like we were dating, just without having sex. The most infuriating part is that he was often the one to bring up what we were doing and I would tell him I was open to dating, to having a relationship together, and I told him what that would look like for me. He says he wants to keep hanging out and leave the door open to something happening someday. That work is stressful and he needs time to figure things out for himself.
When I talked to a friend about it recently, he said, "To be honest, it kind of sounds like he’s fucking with you. He wants you around in the way he wants you without having to be responsible. Some dudes delay having sex so they can deny anything ever happening when they decide to bail or meet someone else or want to continue to stay single without really being fully single." I felt just like that kid again, being ignored in the hallway when my friend said this. I feel like he’s right, but I also feel so stupid. Like why do I keep thinking that at any moment he’s going to be direct with me and just finally tell me, "I don’t want to be in a relationship with you, but I do like having you around just in case I change my mind or nothing better comes along.“ I want to walk away, but I don’t know why it feels so difficult. I still see him almost every day, I just don’t bring anything up now unless he does. I feel sad and scared and a little crazy. I don’t feel like myself. Recently he’s started making fun of me more and how I do things and I find myself being unkind to him too. When I told him that I don’t like that we’re talking to each other like this, he said he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I guess what I’m asking in all of this is, am I being manipulated? Or should I be more understanding of his fear and hesitancy? I feel like I somehow have fallen in love with him and I don’t understand how it happened and also why I am so unhappy when it feels like nothing has even actually "happened“ yet.
I don’t know what to do, Failure. I’m afraid that if I end it and completely walk away, I’ll regret it someday for not being more patient with him or the situation. Also, I feel like I’ve already invested this much time and energy and there have been such good moments, shouldn’t I at least wait it out until we have sex? I know, that sounds terrible, but I don’t understand how I got here! Like maybe I’m a monster? I haven’t had that many long-term relationships and I’m embarrassed about it, like maybe I just don’t know how to do this?
Crazy In Love
Howdy Crazy In Love,
I feel a need to call you darlin’. I hope that’s okay! But dang, this whole situation makes me want to be so sweet to you, darlin’. A situation is exactly what it is. The actual definition of a "situationship“ really, a situationship being defined as: "a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established.“
A real clusterfuck of one in my opinion, if I’m going to be completely honest with you. The TLDR version of what I’m about to say comes down to this: RUN. AND RUN FAST. I know this may be some contentious advice. I know there are those of you out there who are thinking exactly what I was: I would absolutely watch this rom-com though! But your life, your time, your energy: they are not a poorly produced romantic comedy. This is your life. It’s yours to experience and enjoy and it feels important to highlight this word—PROTECT. Your life and time deserve respect and protection, and I hate to say it CIL, but this dude does not respect you or your time and is clearly not looking out or interested in protecting your feelings.
Your letter broke my heart a little because it made me reflect on how heartbreaking it is when you realize a romance isn’t what you thought it was or could be. When you have to reckon with the "what is" of it all rather than the "what could be.“ Guys like Ryan thrive on the "what could be.“
The reality is, CIL, you are not crazy or crazy in love. You already know what’s really going on here. This dude loves your time and energy and attention and the fantasy of being in reality with you one day when he isn’t scared shitless of himself, but he’s not ready to actually be in reality with you consistently right now—to fully show up and respect the time and attention and needs and wants of another human being. He can only see himself and you’re just there as someone to meet his needs and hang out when he feels like it. So, instead of being honest and direct and kind about what his current limits or desires are, he’s doing whatever he needs to keep you feeling hooked so he can continue to get what he wants and have access to you when he wants without considering your needs or feelings or desires or the impact of his behavior on you.
Sit with this for a minute. Does this feel right to you? Do you feel calm in your body? A sense of openness and clarity? You can trust that feeling, CIL.
Right now, this dude is benefiting off of you doubting yourself and you have to stop it right now unless you want more of your time, energy, and attention wasted when it could be better spent elsewhere. When there are so many more people in the world who will show respect for your time, knowing that time, in the end, is really all we have until we don’t!
This dude doesn’t seem to understand that sex isn’t the only kind of intimacy that comes with a certain amount of responsibility and accountability. Emotional intimacy often is what really does us in when it’s taken for granted or when we’re betrayed. Sex is only one part of the picture and that’s not even on the table in some relationships. Friends can break our hearts almost as badly if not more so than lovers. Love and heartbreak are not exclusive to romance and sex. Don’t let him convince you that what you’ve been doing, what you’ve been sharing hasn’t been meaningful or intimate. It’s clear that it has been and it’s clear that he’s been getting something from it too. Otherwise, what’s he been doing with you?
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